On stories you believe about yourself
Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate fact from fiction when it comes to the stories I tell myself about….myself.
These stories, these thoughts were so entrenched in my core belief system, it took many years of reflection to unpack.
I once got through to the final round interview of a job but did not get the offer. It took about 4-6 weeks to hear back because it was over the holidays. Those were grueling weeks. Once I heard the bad news, as if on cue, the narratives I had been trying to hold at bay came flooding in.
I'm not good enough. I always mess things up. I am not worthy.
These thoughts come up when I'm triggered and my triggers could be as tiny as a friend not responding to a message when I feel vulnerable, or major life decisions and relationship issues.
These thoughts can lead to a myriad of feelings and emotions depending on the context, such as anxiety, sadness, neediness or shame. These feelings in turn cause behaviors such as shutting down, withdrawing, under-functioning or assurance-seeking.
This vicious cycle can be overwhelming and it takes work to recognize these thought patterns, understand the link to my emotional reactions and behaviors, and ultimately develop counteracting strategies.
The two biggest things I continue to find incredibly helpful are:
1. Exploration (this can be through therapy, coaching, anything that allows you to explore and uncover these stories) - If you have read my other posts, you probably already know I am a huge fan and cannot recommend this enough! For me, therapy is my safe space. It is the place I feel heard. It is my space to unpack my narratives, underlying drivers and most importantly come to terms with my past. I can subsequently be more thoughtful and deliberate about how to operate in my present.
2. Awareness - When beliefs and narratives are hard at work, pause and observe your thoughts from a detached perspective (meditation is a great way to build this muscle). This allows me to come to terms with all parts of myself, flaws and all. I recognize that no matter what I am feeling, it will pass. Depending on the situation, I could use mantras - especially with loud thoughts. I may sit with it for a while, and recognize that these are the same thought patterns. My next step would be to consciously re-frame my perspective and tap into other parts of myself that could serve me better in that moment.
In addition, I am always looking for ways to increase my level of understanding and awareness of what makes us who we are at our core. I recently started listening to these two podcasts - “The Happiness Lab” by Yale professor Dr. Laurie Santos and "Unlocking Us" by Brene Brown (you have to watch her Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability).
A friend also recently recommended 'The Five Minute Journal' a few weeks ago and swore by it. I ordered it and just started using it this week and it already seems fantastic. I love the daily affirmations, the gratitude log and the space for reflections at night.
As always, sending nothing but good vibes and love your way xxx
Stay aware. Stay mindful. Stay compassionate.
What stories do you believe about yourself? How do you manage them?
Feel free to write thoughts and reflections in the comments section below! Thank you!